


ramblings about the ending of season one/first episode of season two

by who5555



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Character Analysis, Character Study, Episode: s01e22 Full Circle, Episode: s02e01 Home Is Where The Ass Is, F/F, M/M, S01E22, s02e01
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-25
Updated: 2015-03-25
Packaged: 2018-03-19 13:38:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3612060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/who5555/pseuds/who5555
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>the title, really. nothing much</p>
            </blockquote>





	ramblings about the ending of season one/first episode of season two

**Author's Note:**

> I have a lot written about this show, figured I could share some of it  
> (bc I don't know what else to do with it, basically)

 

  * "He’s cut himself off from everyone"



One month and two weeks after that horrible finale, one month and two weeks since Michael left for Portland. One month and two weeks. There has never been so much guilt in Brian’s body as there is now, and sex can not take it away. (But that can’t stop him from trying).

  * Goes to Justin’s hospital every night and is friend with the night nurse but, apart from her, no one else knows.



There’s nothing to say about it, really, so I’ll just add another line or two of me being pissed off at his friends. We have this brilliant scene of Brian outside of Justin’s room, looking bad as shit, and the night nurse doing her rounds and talking to him as if they’re friend because it’s what they become, really. She tells him it would be good if he would just walk in and let Justin knows that he visits him, but Brian tells her no fucking way. Brian style, you know.

What makes me pissed off, though, is that in the next scene, Michael is at the Dinner with Lindsay and Melanie and Debbie, all of them saying that Brian is an asshole, that he never visits Justin and that that’s all Justin asks about, and that’s it. That he’s too busy getting his dick sucked. Michael tries to defend him saying “you should’ve seen what he was like that night. All covered in blood”, then Lindsay tries to save him by comparing it to war soldier that get traumatized after seeing all the suffering. Well, thanks guys, but how about instead of always judging your best friend for the worst actually give him a time to be himself and, uh, I don’t know, actually acting like his best friend? Like… Actually knowing him or trying to be there for him? I don’t know, maybe it is just a crazy thought, right? Yeah, it’s easy to just step aside when he’s clearly pushing everyone away because of a fucking reason. Maybe it’s easier than to realize that he is in absolute pain. Yeah. Thanks.

  * Wears the bloody scarf under his clothes



Is there anything to add to it, really? Other than heavy tears and a broken heart?

  * "Why haven’t you gone to see Justin?" "Because there’s nothing I can do for him"



Ah, the youth… It’s been one month and two weeks, right? One month and two weeks Brian’s cut himself off from everyone. First, he got rejected, then, he turned thirty, then his best friend left town, then, the kid he’s grown attached to got bashed because of him - or at least that’s what he’ll repeat to himself over and over again, and has been doing it for the past month. One month and two weeks of heavy drinking, drugging and sexing. One month and two weeks of doing everything he can to turn his feeling off.

Brian wouldn’t have come to Justin’s prom if it wasn’t for Michael. He was really depressed because of the New York thing. You see, he never thought of himself as someone who could get an offer to work in a NY agency. Then, he wins a prize and an opportunity. Brian may think of himself high, but he needs constant reassurance. And he doesn’t lie to himself. He never thought of himself working in New York until someone tells him he needs to be in New York, then he thinks that he’s capable of doing so. When this opportunity comes in, is like this highlight shines through his life. What is he doing here in Pittsburgh? What are his chances? He goes to work, then Babylon, then there’s Justin. What’s new? What’s exciting? Is he going to keep doing it for the rest of his life? Isn’t it starting to get tiresome? Isn’t this… Boring and unfullfiling? He suddenly thinks he’s not doing the most of his life and every thing he’s been doing seems pointless. This really isn’t about Justin. It’s all about him, his life, his choices. When he tells Justin that when he walks out of that door he won’t be thinking of him, and that he will never think of him again, and that Justin should do the same, he means it. And it isn’t one of those mean things he says to keep Justin away, it is one of the real things he says, because he truly mean it. As soon as the guys said it to him, he created a scenario of himself being successful in New York. Michael would be gone anyway, then what would be left for him in Pittsburgh? You have to understand that he never saw Justin as someone who would stay forever. He always saw Justin as a young kid who thinks that he’s in love with this older guy, but, soon it will end, this so called love, and he’ll leave. So, when he thinks that Michael will be gone, and considering he doesn’t consider Justin, there’s nothing for him there. And, suddenly, the New York thing is all that he has.

But, then, it falls through. Ruthless, rude, dry. He allowed himself to think higher of himself, and then what happened? Cold tea of reality. When he realizes he’s flown too high, and, worse, that he allowed himself to be this foolish again, it hits him. It hits him hard, and then he’s thirty. All those jokes of his death hit him even harder because that’s exactly what he feels like - dead. He’s too old to have dreams, too old to let himself be fooled by opportunities, too old to start anew, too old to get people who’d wanna fuck him. Too old to keep his friends close. When he doesn’t go to Michael’s farewell party, again, it isn’t because of Michael. It’s because he’s taking a time for himself. He’s a made a fool of himself by being so certain about New York and then failing at it. And now he’s stuck on this life of his, that he is certain that it is not going anywhere, and he lost his best friend, too. What a failure he is.

And here come Michael. Michael spills out the big words. He boosts his ego. He tells him he still has his powers, he tells him he’ll always be young, he’ll always be beautiful. He reminds him of who he is. Suddenly, he remembers that none of it matters to anyone. No one thought he was a failure because he didn’t go to New York, no one thinks he’s too old now that he’s thirty, no one expect anything from him. When Michael says these words, Brian puts himself in his place, and he remember he is not that special and that he’s still the same - and that the same is good.

When Michael leaves, Brian thinks of the only person that is perhaps expecting something from him. The only person that thinks he’s still looking good as ever. The person that will drool over him no matter what. The person that, according to everyone, loves him, apparently, whatever the hell that means. He thinks of Justin, and how out of all the people in the world, he asked Brian to go to the prom, ignoring his age completely. He thinks of all the mouths that would drop if he walked in and danced with him. But, most of all, he thought of how happy that would make Justin. And, considering that Justin was the only one who tried to stop him from going to New York and the only one who seemed to care that he would be gone, the only one who cried at the thought of not having him in his life anymore, he thinks Justin deserves his attention. And this time he’s doing it for Justin.

So, Brian walks in and he doesn’t care about anyone else. He has his eyes set on Justin. They dance and kiss and Brian is there for Justin. Then, they go to the jeep, they kiss again. “That was the best night of my life” and “Later”. And he’s doing it for Justin, and he’s happy to see how pleased Justin was to see him, and he can’t wait to meet Justin later. And he enters the jeep and checks Justin hopping back to the prom through his mirror, but, then, he sees someone else is coming, and then the moment is ruined. Next thing we know, he’s at the hospital, Michael beside him and bloody scarf on his neck.

One month and two weeks later, Michael is back. Brian keeps mentioning how making other people happy can cause you pain. Michael let it slide because he don’t think it matters, that he’s only saying it because he’s hurt. But we, as the viewers, know that he’s saying that because the one time he tried to please another human being, that human being got bashed. He blames himself for the bashing, obviously.

"Because there’s nothing I can do for him", but also, "Because I’ve already caused too much damage".  Michael, can’t you see how hurt your friend is? Can’t you fix him again? Please and thank you.

  * "Should’ve at least called to see if I was still alive" "I’m sure I would’ve hear if you weren’t. Besides, I’m not your occupational therapist, I’m not your trauma specialist, I’m not even your God damn mother, sitting there, holding your hand, I mean, there’s nothing I could have done for you"



Justin is smart. Justin is such a smart boy. Justin is the smartest of the boys when if comes to Brian Kinney. Earlier, when Brian is pissed off at the doctors for saying Justin won’t draw again, he makes the same face he makes after Brian says that.You know what that face is slash means? It is the face of Justin slowly reading Brian through the things he’s not saying, and him knowing that he is hiding something. Brian says all this shit about therapist, specialist and mother, but, there, on that very last line is what he really means. Just peel off the layers of rudeness he adds to keep you locked away, Justin, and you’ll see that what he really means is “There’s nothing I could have done for you”. And that’s it. And Justin knows it, but, first, he wants to be sure.

So, here is what happens next: Justin begins to recall what he remember from the night. No, that’s not true because he doesn’t remember anything. He simply throws in the subject, because he wants proof for his thoughts. Brian looks away and avoids looking at him the whole time. Justin starts with the good part, and Brian tells him he’s right. But, what Justin can’t see - because Brian is facing the wall - is how hurt he is when Justin says that he can’t remember anything. Then, Justin steps to the bad part and now he has a reaction. “Yeah, well, I can remember. I can remember every thing”. Now Brian starts to announce what happens, the bad part. And his voice breaks and everything is a mess. He tells him the details he allows himself to share.

  * "There was nothing I could do. And then you just laid there, on the cold cement"



And here is your proof, Justin Taylor.

Brian blames himself for everything that happened. Brian thinks that Justin blames him for everything that happened. Brian thinks every one blames him for every thing that happened. But, yeah, he does not care for everyone, he cares for Justin. And thinking that Justin could blame him, he could not face him. That’s why he “didn’t” visit Justin at the hospital, that’s why he’s been cutting himself off from all these people, that’s why he avoids thinking of that night and all of the rest. He thinks Justin blames him and, worse than that, he blames himself. But we know Brian, and we know that he would find a way to live with himself even blaming himself for all his life - in fact, that what he does. This lonely, drunk, drugged, sex-addict Brian Kinney that Michael meets when he comes back and that scares the hell out of him is the Brian Kinney who’s trying to live his life blaming himself for Justin’s bashing and accepting that Justin blames him too.

Except… “It wasn’t your fault. It. Wasn’t. Your. Fault” *hugs*. There it is, the smartest boy in town. Justin see right through Brian, understands all of this and goes as quickly as he can to try and fix him. He says exactly what Brian need to hear. From now on, it doesn’t matter what he thinks of himself regarding the bashing. This kid doesn’t blame him. And he makes it a goal to help in every way he can to make him recover, stronger than ever. Because the guilt he is feeling says he owes him that much.

  * "I would like you to leave and never see him again" "I care about him" "It was because of you he was almost killed"



I always compared this to when Debbie asked him to leave Michael alone but now I see I was wrong. I always thought he simply accepted that people wanted him gone from their lives and carried on, but… He tried. Jennifer asks him to leave but he tries to argue. He says “I care about him”, and it’s the first time he’s expressing it out loud, because he sees there’s no need to try and hide it from Jennifer. She knows he was there every night, right?

But, then, what he feared the most. Justin’s words of comfort vanish away from his mind the minute she says what she says. Well, there it is, Brian. I guess someone is blaming you for the bashing, after all. And who is it? Ah, yes, Justin’s mother. And I guess you can’t argue with that, can you? His mother trying to protect him from you, from all you’ve caused him? She’s right. And you think that too. In fact, you think she’s so right that you leave and you never say a word again. After all, it  _was_  because of you he was almost killed, right?

(He was ready to forgive himself by helping Justin recover every way he could, but Jennifer was there to flash the red light and send him home. He now thinks the best thing he can do for Justin is leave him alone)

**Author's Note:**

> (episode 1 and 2 of season 2 are so so so sad - I can't handle!!!!!!)


End file.
